I am exhausted

In my life, I have never worked so hard, when I look back I realize that I have not had rest more than 2 days in a row for more than 4 months. Unquestionably, when I declare such a statement, I have already proposed how fortunate I have been, most residents in Hong Kong have to work continuously, non-stop, basically until they retire. However, since I was really young, working has never been a word in my dictionary, I do not really have to work because, well you know why. Things change dramatically after our marriage, now I have to pay for 2 people's bill, including the big fat bill from collecting statues. Recently, after know the news about the company is going to be listed, I cannot help but wonder, what will happen to us?

I am haunted, for the fact that, on the one hand, most people have been freaking positive about the incident, they believe that the company is going to buy back our stocks or even give us some options for IPO, which is a contingent guarantee that $1 is going to become $10. On the other hand, as everybody knows, I have been behaving skeptically about the 3rd generation, I am not saying they are wicked or not trust worthy, I just cannot figure our why they have to give us the "jackpot". 

In these months, I have been thinking what if again and again, I have basically considered every possible action they will do and my best guess, like always, is a pessimistic one. Since we do not directly hold the listed company's stock, we are like the shareholders of HSBC, though HSBC holds the rights of HS Bank, shareholders can only remotely benefit HS, for instances, the dividends from HS is going to become a profit of HSBC or the increased in value of HS makes HSBC's stock more appealing. So the listed of the company make our wallet thicker but you know how rich you are without being rich. It is because until they are making you an offer, even you know the stock worth more than 100m, it stills, base on accounting concept, worths $0. 

I admit that, I should not have thought too much about the future, as it is not something a Christian should do and that is exactly why I am exhausted. Other than working extra hard lately, physically, I do not sleep well because I have reduced the sleeping pills, emotionally, I have been torturing myself through these obsessive behavior. If you were me, you would know how painful it is, I want to stop and I just cannot. I know what is right but I have to walk the wrong path. The worst thing about humanity is that: we exhibit weakness of wills, we are rational yet we are emotive. I think it just coheres what Paul says in the Bible, we want to be virtuous but it is not an option because we are evil in nature. Evil and Wicked.