放手啦！

I am always feeling insecure, I do not know why I come to be but it is the way I am. I have to calculate everything and take everything in control. Recently, I have fallen into paradoxes again because of some changes in my life, for instance, whether I should work or I should keep studying, whether I have been using God as excuses of not stepping out or it is really the case that I have to be conservative and so on and so forth. All these questions, unlike my friends comment, are neither unnecessary nor because I have over-thought. If we believe God puts us here, it is reasonable to ask, why God puts us here, is our lives purposeless and aimless? If the answer is no, then it is our obligation to examine the purpose of life.

After a short chat with Eva yesterday, I came to realize that, base on my history, God puts me here so that I can learn how to let go. It is not overwhelming to say that God grants me with everything I need, a warm family, a lovable wife to be, a clear mindset capable to pursue academic excellence and a stable income to sustain my living. However, strictly speaking, I am always in between very good and very bad, I  am neither too clever to become a Prof nor too stupid that I cannot engage in academic discussions, neither I am rich enough to do whatever I want nor too poor that I have to work 24 to 7 for a living. Put things otherwise, God always places me in between two polars, I am neither too good nor too bad. I will not die if I do not go to work, but it will be better for me to find a job. I cannot become a Professor but I can conduct my own researches with results.

By using an analogy, I am walking on a string and God’s invisible hands are preventing me from falling onto the ground; however, rather than putting me in a safe spot, God let me keep walking on the string. The lesson I have learnt is that: I have to let go, the tighter I grasp, the more depress I am. I want certainty, it appears to me that God wants me to learn to live in uncertainty with joy. Living in uncertainty with joy, I believe requires great faith, for the simple reason that your faith makes certain the uncertainty, the uncertainty is no longer uncertain because someone guarantees you that you do not have to worry about that. Undoubtedly, it is not a simple lesson, especially for someone who always think too much. Might God bless my soul.